random

Today is a very hot day, the trees standing still and I don’t feel the breeze..All I know is that I can breathe without feeling the presence of the air brushing through my face..

Today, I’m thinking if I will delete this blog and make a new one on wordpress because I dont like the domain that I registered. BUt I would start from scratch again if I will delete this and I’ve posted more than 20 blogs. I dont care about blog stats but I look at it to see if there’s anyone who visits though not read my blog. My blog is really about randomness. I’m not really good in writing though many people have said that I have a talent in writing. I’m not sure of that..I know myself more than they know..This is my online diary aside from a friend in a land far far away from me whom I’ve told she’s an online diary to me..

My mind has a lil bit of rain shower of ideas  and my heart is partly clouded by those ideas  which this heart cannot merely accept immediately. One of the ideas is to ask my father for a money so I could go out to the mall to shop and watch a movie with my two sisters but it would be impossible until Monday..The other is not to attend the orientation on Sunday but it will bring trouble to me in the end. The other is to get my father’s credit card so I can use it unbeknown to him. okay..This is not possible at all. My heart is already cloudy. I feel I cannot do all of those.There are many things running in my mind aside from those..They are racing like who’ll be the first to be done..

I think I’ve mention on one of my posts that it’s us who hurt ourselves..We put ourselves in shame, we kill our physical body bit by bit just like what my brother do to himself. He’s always drinking at night, sleeping at dawn, smoking and I dont know if he do drugs. How I wish he’s not. Oh God, I hope so He’s not..

Finally, I felt a breeze brush through my face like how a spark of enlightenment to do the right thing stops the rainshower of wrong thoughts in my mind..

I realized it will always be sunny in my heart if my non conformist attitude will be in the right place all the time..

My fashion Style

I posted Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Leon and my avatar on imvu. I customized my avatar like how I dress up in real life.. Not exactly how I dress up but my avi gets my style..Ok I’m a fan of Madonna but not  all of her songs..I am a fan of her daughter’s fashion style.

It’s weird that I’m a fan of an 11 and a half year old and I’m already 20.lol..You may wonder why not be a fan of Britney’s fashion style or Lindsay Lohan’s or Hillary Duff.

My simple answer is this : The girl  dress up what she really is..Innocent and simple..I’m not sayin I’m completely innocent but I have a heart of a young girl within me..and Oh! I  like Hannah Montana too..

Oh I cant post my real life pics right now because this computer was reformatted. I havent saved all my pics. Maybe one of these days I will.

I am not commited still

This is nothing serious. People would not find it normal if a 20 yo woman says she never had a boyfriend since birth.

Well, ugh! I find myself oh so normal.  There’s nothing missing in me. I was telling people before that I was not ready for a relationship and I was not interested. I was not really interested. Oh well but now i am still not interested in commitment but I believe so that I will pass that point in my life. I just dont feel I dont have to be committed to someone right now. I’m still enjoying my freedom. I’ve known many men who are possessive and I can never be with someone like that. It’s not that I am afraid of commitment. I just want to be free and still be able to do the things I am doing now. I wouldnt change for someone and I will not give up my freedom. Sounds immature but no one can take away from me what I love doing in my life. So whoever the guy I will fall for, I hope he’ll not be the guy who takes away his girl’s freedom.

I will not mention other reasons why I never had a boyfriend. I am not worried and I am not scared to be single well, i dont know until when..but as of now I am happy with my current status..

Life is what we make it

They say life is short and you have not to waste it. I’m still young but why do I feel like I have to accomplish many things in my life immediately. Is it because I really don’t know what I’ve accomplished since birth. People who knew me would say I’ve accomplish much for my age but I don’t feel that way. There’s something within me that drowns me to oblivion. I feel like I am passing out of existence not physically.  I am not scared, not nervous or anything. I am anxious, maybe I am, because I don’t know my future. It’s something unknown to me, unknown to everyone. i don’t really believe in fortune teller because it’s us who draw our own future. I only believe in the divine existence of GOD who knew everything, where we’re suppose to go in this world.

I am not afraid. I am not really. Nothing in life is for sure but I am not scared. I still need to learn more in life. Nobody says it’s easy to live. Maybe fools only know how to live easily but I wouldn’t believe the fools if they find ways to live easily. Life never made itself easy for someone to understand it immediately. It takes time and effort for anyone to recognize the beauty of life or what it tries to show or give to us. I don’t question my existence. I knew I’ve learned why I am here in this world but because I’m human, I get weak and I stumble.

Life is short. I strongly believe in that. A person walks this earth sometimes life a tree falling unobserved in the forest. I don’t want to be like that. I want to make a history for my parents and for my future kids and grandchildren. I want to be a legend to them. Who doesn’t want to?

We don’t know what’s in the end of the tunnel. All we know is that there is light. As we get nearer there is a light. A blinding light sometimes. You wouldn’t go on walking if you know it’s a dead end right? I will still go and move on. We are capable of change. we are capable of anything if we will try. There wouldn’t be dead ends in everyone’s life. Life is not structured that way. Life is what we make it. Only us can decide which path we should take. It isn’t easy but we have various choices.

Life woudnt be wasted if we know how to use it in our own unique way…

3 days offline

So i found myself on a lot where my brother and the kids play basketball. I love that sport. The reason why I started to play it again was that the computer had a virus and it needed to be reformatted and I’ve got nothing else to enjoy during my stay here..I was not online since Thursday and then finally this was reformatted yesterday..The world wide web has become an essential part of my daily life. OMG..I thought I was not going to survive a day without it but I did. Lacking the essentials in life will really drive me crazy and I realized why would I be crazy about the thing that just gives me too much fat and overloaded sins..Admit it..the Web gives you lots of sins everyday..I’m not talking about porn sites. I’m not browsing those. I’ll keep my hands clean..lol

so what did i learn to do again ?

• I cleaned the bathroom
• I played the said basketball
• read real good books
• clean the house
• watch the television ( i forgot it was fun to watch the T.V.)
• cook foods
• and lie awake dreaming

Tomorrow I want to see myself again on that lot and play again with the kids. I’ll play badminton tomorrow too and I’ll forget being online for half a day..i wish i could..

Well, starting Sunday..i will be busy..I will hit the outside world

I

it’s nothing in between i guess

” it looks like freedom but it feels like death”

it’s one of my favorite lines from Leonard Cohen’s song “closing time”..

This post has nothing to do with that song. This has something to do with my ever changing feelings.

Do you know the feeling of having the taste of liberty in everything you do? The feeling of superiority because you’ve admitted you’re a stupid human being who err too much and ask what else they still have to say? I DO…

My freedom to do the things I want to do and say what I want to say only bury me alive. Every chances I see really looks like freedom but it horrifies me to death. There is something unknown within that has not yet been discovered by my consciousness . I am a courageous sensitive person. I say almost everything I want to say and do almost all the things I want to do but I get hurt in the end. I don’t know if it’s because of stupidity, immaturity or low emotional intelligence. I am trying to control every aspect of human emotions that destroys me. Oh but the best thing in me is that I get angry like a child. Now I’m angry, now I’m not..or we’ll throw heavy words too much and then I’ll smile when I’m already okay..

I’m happy today that someone told me I am a classy lady because I knew how to handle situations..I wanna laugh. I told her I wish I am what she’s thinking. It feels like death to be different to all the people who knew you. I am cunning to someone, kind and weak to some, gentle and sweet, provocative and spontaneous, unconventional, weird, nerd, free spirited, lack of plans, idle etc. All people have their own impressions on me and what I really want to cry about is that only few, really very few know the truth in me..I have to act differently to different people just to satisfy what they’ve always know on me. So I want to stop being courageous because it only hurts me in the end. I become a slave of my own self.

I thought it’s already freedom when you are soaring high with what you believe, when you are free with everything. Lately I thought it was death also because I fell. it confuses me. It’s none between the two.

There’s a feeling of something more important that touches me. Something that tells me there’s still more in life I must see and not just look in a glance..Maybe it’s being more mature, balancing stupidity, boosting emotional intelligence or don’t be vain?

Pretending you are or you are not only hurts you too much

I dont really know a lot. Maybe I unconciously pretend I do know a lot. I told someone we are all pretentious in our own way.. Yes we are..That’s what i thought and he said we’re all not..By merely saying we’re all not only means we are really pretentious human beings.

I just speak from experience, from what I’ve witnessed and I’ve witnessed a lot to say a lot better than anyone I know. I am a somewhat conceited human being when I am mad. . How I wish I could be mad all the time so I can brag about myself too much in every occasions out of my consciousness. But being mad only makes me  childish and proves that I haven’t learned a lot from what I am boasting about.

I am not logical, I am just rational or let’s say I use that kind of defense mechanism to fight for my ego. I don’t talk too much to ordinary people because I am often misunderstood. Yes I am often misunderstood if I’m into a deep conversation. If I am misunderstood, I don’t defend for myself instead I let them think what they think of me. Who then gives a damn to what the people say. But since I am an inhabitant in this chaotic world, I have to  be back in the reality because it continually hunts me..

A pretentious animal knows not how to be back in reality. It is absolutely difficult for him. He knows not everything. He knows more a lot about all existence but gets confuse on his own. IF not confused, he gets drown into his own knowledge of his irrational, illogical truth.

I just woke up in the reality. The real reality because I’ve been in both worlds of light and darkness. I’ve arisen from the bottom of my unconsciousness. I am now conscious of everything including my weaknesses.

I tried something I thought was not a kryptonite but it suddenly kills me slowly. It’s good to be back and say I am weak like a normal human being. yeah I am..

Pretending you are or you are not only hurts you too much…in the end.

Shut up your big mouth!

The mouth is a major source of contamination. It is a poisonous hole. It can emit a venom that ruins the lives of others. It deceives the truth and poisons every beauty that’s left in this world. It can kill your friend and your dear ones.

People often speak with their mouths wide open. Often, it is the source of all chaos. Many actions are not done without the command of a one powerful mouth and many actions have been done by the command of a one powerful mouth. Most of the wrong actions of mankind are from the drop of his own words or from someone’s words.

The mouth is an important tool of a wise mind, a chaotic mind, a foolish mind. The powerful tool of all great leaders. It is from those powerful mouth that the world is suffering, and ununited from different beliefs.

The mouth is a major mass of destruction of all families, good morals,  nations. A thick wall in every negotiation. A weak foundation in  mending relationships.

I’ve witnessed lots and all forms of destructions by the mouth.

Is it not easy to contemplate the truth, weigh the good from bad, decide unbiasedly?

If you think what you have on your mind will destroy other unless it is your intention, just SHUT UP YOUR BIG MOUTH!!

procrastination

I procrastinate all my life. It’s time to end that because I will never be successful if I will stay this way. I went to the mall instead of going to school to inquire about my Nursing Review. I walked around, looking for nothing. I saw an old friend that I have never seen since our graduation and we talked for a bit. He has never changed, I thought. I’ve changed. My mind grows more mature and I feel more wise than before.  I have my nails polished but I also removed it today.

I sat on one of the benches inside the mall. I sat there for almost one hour thinking all the things that HAd changed in my life and all the things that haven’t change. I thought I am a failure for feeling that I am not able to change the things that I can still change. I sat quietly and didn’t mind the people that sit beside me. I was looking at the people around and thought if only I am in their shoes. I had question. Do some people want to be in my shoes? I guess so.. I am someone to be envied somehow. I made it into college but most of the successful people around me did not even step into college. I pity myself more tha  I admire myself. I admire myself most of the time. That is when I am alone.

I decided to moved on. I walked and my feet brought me or let’s say my stomach brought me to McDonalds. I saw a group of people talking. One approached me which was my former classmate. The others were schoolmates. I gathered some info. well, info that are important to get moving. I saw them left. I ate and went inside the cathedral and witnessed the glory of God. I contemplated once again. I felt the need to pee and finally, in that very hilarious way, I stepped inside the school where I graduated and saw two former classmates that well, made me think that I should go visit our dean. It was hard for me to speak to her because I am afraid of her. I treat her as a mother and I do admire her. She was talking to a former schoolmate and I couldn’t make a move then. I sat down and atlas, she talked to me. I tried to be confident with that very quick talk.

Resolved. I thought. Somewhat resolve. I still have to go to the city tomorrow for another deal. I will try to never procrastinate again. It is a life ruining habit.