ME, myself and a baby?

It may be the feeling of inadequacy and my longing for independence and freedom that gave me the idea of not going to have children in the future. It must be weird for many but I’ve seen my past and the future from my day to day living. I’ve been always thinking about the future but there is something about the past that continually haunts me . Hey, I don’t think I need a therapy. There’s just too much I want to do rather than raise kids and be a good wife. Am i being selfish? I’ve heard that selfish is when you want kids while there are too many orphans and children on the streets hungry and begging for food.

The other thing that gave me the idea of not wanting to have kids is that I’ve seen lots of women getting old being tied to what the society thinks woman should be or must be. You know women who don’t have time for theirselves and women who grieve for the wrongdoings of their children. It must be rude to say that I don’t want to be like them because I am a part of this society and it is being judgmental or disrespectful to all the women who work hard and give their lives to raise good sons and daughters of this country.

But people like me or must I say women like me know what’s always good. Okay I should not speak for the crowd of the same wants. I speak for myself. I know what’s good for me. I know what I am thinking and I’m not losing my sanity.I dont want to do what people expect me to do. I want to do what I think I must do even if it’s against what the world is accustomed to.

Now I’m thinking that maybe I have a fear of not being one of the mothers who do what I’ve stated above or maybe I have the fear of this environment, seeing kids growing up unnoticed by their parents. Kids mourning like there’s no one who could understand them. Kids who are scared of of personal experiences with no one guiding them, or teaching them pr asking them “Hey, what’s going on” . I’ve seen myself as I’m writing this and I feel scared. I feel like I’ve learned things all by myself and thinking I have different thoughts and wants, life made me and build me to be like this.

Dont teach me to grow up because I feel greater than any other who think I have an empty shell just because of my almost silent behavior. I’m loud within and my gestures tell it not my mouth.

Children, I know are wonderful creatures, we have lots of them here running around and helping them to grow up but having baby is not my thing.

So having children is still not on my mind after some realization that this moment puts in my head. Maybe someday I will. Who knows.

In some cases life is so predictable but most of the time it isnt.

Nursing Careers

Nursing profession has many fields.  Nurses are not just confined in the hospital or in nursing homes but they got many careers to choose from. My top most desired career is forensic nursing, para-legal nursing, military nursing, flight nursing and psychiatric nursing..

Hope I’ll pass the board exam and be able to work not just in the hospital. I feel anxious about the board exam but I do hope that I can make it.

I dont really have time to blog right but I really want to write this. There are too many lessons I’ve learned and I hope to write them one of these days regarding my review.

the shirt, the sex and the black forest ice cream

I decided to go home early yesterday and I would like to conclude that that day was a good one but not expected. I saw my cousin at the terminal and she invited me to go back downtown to buy shirt. We’ve planned it a month ago but we have conflict of schedules. We ate first and we talked about life etc. It was raining but it did not stop us. It was fun of course watching the rain while having a good conversation.

After an hour or so of chat, we went on looking for shirts and It tired me a lot walking while raining. Well, it cost me too because I couldn’t help but buy foods a lot. We saw her friend April, the cute but matured looking girl. I don’t know her and we were not properly introduced to each other. My cousin wanted to escape from her though I can feel that  April wanted to go with us. My cousin gave many alibis just to escape. haha but she went inside the boutique where we were in. She told us she was just passing by.

So we had no choice but to let her go with us. We came back to the place where we ate and ordered the black forest ice cream but it was sold out so we end up eating oreos and ice cream. I just thought that if we did not plan to buy ice cream, maybe we could go home early since it was raining. So, we sat and talked again and I thought it would be endless. I cant believe I was laughing hard with someone I don’t know and even sharing many insights about life.

The conversation went on and the topic went to sex. Imagine three virgin women talking about sex and I got a lot to tell about it because I am a nurse. April is a smart person and I’ve noticed that as the conversation went along. She even shared her experience on how she handled the situation when a guy who was my former classmate and the guy who once asked me if he could court me took him to a motel and asked about sex and how she refused firmly. what a small world.

We went home riding the same public transportation. I asked my cousin how old is she and she said she was just 17 or 18.

I was home already when I realized that she’s too young to be that open minded. I was home already when I realized I’ve talked a lot about sex and she’s the youngest among us and my cousin is somewhat conservative about sex. My sister is as old as her but she doesn’t want the topic about sex.

So I must thank the idea of buying shirt and eating black forest ice cream though it became sold out because I had a very interesting conversation yesterday.

I Want to Run Away II

And the world became suddenly silent as I can feel the pain of the punch on my left arm and the heat of the sun in the room. I woke I woke up at 8:30 am.

I’ve poisoned my mind again not to study my lessons. I still have 57 days left to study for the board exam. I’m wasting my time again. I dont know what the world will tell me after what had happened. Every family is dysfunctional whether big or small. Every family has its own problem being dealt everyday. I dont want to be in the stage of denial to insist that we are nearly perfect. We’re not and we’ll never be as long as the persons living in this house function on each own and living like no one’s getting hurt with whatever we’re doing.

I’m not hiding. I’m not afraid. Maybe I’m numb already. I’m already apathetic maybe. Or maybe I’m in denial. Only God knows. I must not hide or run.

If i’ll run away, I have nowhere to go..and if I have nowhere to go, I’ll just come back here again..

I Want to Run Away

Today, my all 4 siblings and I had a quarrel. I was not able to control myself. I was totally out of control. I was shouting out loud and the farthest neighbor could hear me roar. And because I was out of control, my brother punched me and slapped me and he even tried to strangulate me with his hands. He cant kill me, I supposed. I was still shouting and I told him to kill me now. I went inside the room and threw everything I see around. My cousin came as well as my aunt. My aunt saw me crying inside the room. I was not talking and It didn’t stop there. Everything was a mess. I was planning to pack my things and go away. Good thing, I was still on my sane mind thinking about my parents and everyone around. I was thinking to use the money for my tuition fee.

My mind had an evil plan not to talk to them anymore and thinking I’ve said that before, I will not be successful. I can feel that they don’t  like me because I’m hot headed and I always make lil misunderstanding into a big one. I’m totally lack of self control.

I want to run away everytime this is happening. I want to run away everytime I feel that no one likes me in this house. I’ve been good to them. I was so good to them to take me for granted. Maybe what we can only share together are jokes and funny insults. Maybe we’re just lack of feelings being communicated together. I want to run everytime somebody in this house says rude things to me.

I was sitting on one corner of the bed still crying. My sister picked up all the mess I’ve made as I was thinking what she had in mind while doing that. I will not talk to them until tomorrow or even until this hurt feeling subsides.

I want to run away but the battle is here and I should not run, hide or cover. I want to run away but I always knew this will pass by..