Control

It’s raining here at the moment and at midnight we will be celebrating New year and by tomorrow my mother will be leaving.

It’s another new year for my family, for my mother, my father. My mother came back after working for almost five years abroad and tomorrow we’ll be having a new chapter in each own lives. I can never explore the feelings of each and everyone. I can only explore my own. The past few days, I’ve been a bad person. I’ve been covered by  different kinds of human emotions. I’m still weak, I thought. Do I pretend that I’m strong? I’ve always been in so many ways but to be full of anger and hate only prove that I’m weak emotionally. I became full of it though i tried to control  it but I cant. IN the end it leaves me empty, sorry for myself, feeling cold in a warm environment.

The human mind can control others in a constructive or destructive way. Aside from that humans can also destroy himself , it can not only be felt within, but you get to be broken in front of other’s eyes. That’s what I felt but what can i do? I want someone to listen to me. It’s like I’m a town’s bell, ringing aloud so that everyone can hear but no one cares to listen.

Lack of control whenever i’m on the height of evil emotions have always ruin whatever I do in my life.  I got many ailments within me not only felt physically but emotionally.

I have four siblings, they dont share the feelings that i have. They are not like me, they dont cry like I use to, they dont get mad like how i use to get mad. They are able to control their feelings most of the time. I am different in  thousands of different waysI know, but the worst is that I’m also the most emotional.

awaken

I was not able to write something interesting the past  days but It was not because there were nothing interesting going on with my life the past days. In fact, a lot of bitter and sweet things  had happened. only that I was not inspired to write.

The reason why I’m writing right now is that I’m thinking what do I really want to do after the board exam. I never want to slack anymore. My mother always talks about what she dreamed for us, what our future plans are and what we will become someday. Everyone dreams of something big, something we want to believe, something we want to happen, something that may sometimes be quite impossible or totally impossible. These past days, I’ve always found myself lying awake and dreaming of hundreds of things that my mind can still imagine besides it’s free.

But those dreams will only just be dreams if I will not move today and start making it a reality.  Someday I will become old and realize what I’ve become after today. I dont want to be in despair in the end. I am dreaming not for myself alone but for the sake of those especially who dream of something good for me, those who want to see me happy in the end. I’m dreaming for them, for my country and for my fellowmen.

waiting and hoping

I was not blogging for too long, maybe a month. I’m done with my board exam and now I’m waiting for the result of it. Gosh i dont know what I’ve missed during the exams. I guess I messed up. I even forgot to pray beofre the exam. I just remembered God in the middle of agony when I couldnt answer the questions anymore.
I have a lil bit of anxiety right now. I’m hoping that I’m going to pass the board exam. Still hoping though I’m not sure if I’m really going to pass. Well I guess that’s what HOPE is for. Hoping beyond uncertainty. I have a lil bit of confidence that I’ll pass for the mere reason that I have never failed in any examinations.
But now I depend my full hope in God’s grace and mercy.