This post is my 5th featured blog on wordpress. I’m sure of that. If not, well I have still the featured blog on thoughts and personal (referring to the current featured blogs on “thoughts and personal” tags). There’s something wrong with wordpress. I got featured 5 times today
This is completely ridiculous. A while ago, I saw my blogs “And I am A Christian” and I’m Scared but Finally…” as featured blogs on ” thoughts” and personal”, that’s why I made another post entitled “I Got Featured” and then when I looked to see my post, it replaced my yesterday’s posts as featured blogs.
I’m wondering, maybe there’ s something wrong.
I really enjoy reading and commenting blogs. Some posts are just a waste of time ( like mine sometimes) while some are worth the read.( sip a cup of coffee). Many blogs are really inspiring and blogs that I find inspiring are on my blogroll. Well if you don’t see blogs on my blogroll inspiring, I guess it depends on what inspires us.
I’m not suppose to write something today but for unknown reason. I saw my two blogs on featured blogs. One as a featured blog on “thoughts” and the other is on ” personal”. I don’t know how it happened. My two posts weren’t good but still I should be thankful.
This is my first time to have a featured blog or should I say “featured blogs” just when I thought nobody’s reading my blog and I’m starting to think that my blogs are nonsense or boring. So I think that is a reward.
I remember great things happen to me but I do not claim the glory. I always say that I dont deserve anything but still many blessings come on my way. Tomorrow’s my birthday but I dont expect anything to happen. I dont expect anything from people, I expect only to God.
Ok the thoughts in this post are somewhat unrelated. It took a cup of coffee to finish this post because I’m not in the mood to write but still I made an effort.
I need those words. Those are the exact words I have on my mind.
I wish Monday’s event wouldn’t be coming anymore. I don’t wanna hurt people who love me. If it’s for my own sake only, I’m okay with failure. I’m comfortable with that. I can deal with it because I never fix my eyes to only one opportunity.
My father told me a while ago that the result of the November 2008 board exam will be issued on Monday. I got nervous and I felt anxious. But no matter what, I’ll leave it all to God. I hope my father and I will see my name in the internet on Monday. But I hope he’s not expecting a lot. I mean “They” are not expecting a lot.
I hope I’ll make them happy. I know what happened during the 2 day examination. Nothing is certain in this world no matter how sure or unsure you are about yourself. One thing I know is that we have to be comfortable with uncertainty.
I feel scared but on that day, though I erase the feeling that it will come early this year after last year’s exam, I will face tomorrow no matter what it gives me.
LAST THOUGHTS ON WOODY GUTHRIE
When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think you’re too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin’ behind an’ losin’ yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of life’s busy race
No matter what yer doing if you start givin’ up
If the wine don’t come to the top of yer cup
If the wind’s got you sideways with with one hand holdin’ on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood’s easy findin’ but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin’ and the street gets too long
And you start walkin’ backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow’s mornin’ seems so far away
And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin’
And yer rope is a-slidin’ ’cause yer hands are a-drippin’
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe’s a-pourin’
And the lightnin’s a-flashing and the thunder’s a-crashin’
And the windows are rattlin’ and breakin’ and the roof tops a-shakin’
And yer whole world’s a-slammin’ and bangin’
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
“I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn’t they tell me the day I was born”
And you start gettin’ chills and yer jumping from sweat
And you’re lookin’ for somethin’ you ain’t quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole world’s a-watchin’ with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and she’s long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when they’re fryin’
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bell’s bangin’ loudly but you can’t hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyes’ve turned filthy from the sight-blindin’ dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an’ fooled white facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin’ three queens
And it’s makin you mad, it’s makin’ you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin’ around a pinball machine
And there’s something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin’
But it’s trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin’ in bed
And no matter how you try you just can’t say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion’s mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you’d never taken that last detour sign
And you say to yourself just what am I doin’
On this road I’m walkin’, on this trail I’m turnin’
On this curve I’m hanging
On this pathway I’m strolling, in the space I’m talking
In this air I’m inhaling
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I’m playing, on this banjo I’m frailin’
On this mandolin I’m strummin’, in the song I’m singin’
In the tune I’m hummin’, in the words I’m writin’
In the words that I’m thinkin’
In this ocean of hours I’m all the time drinkin’
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they’re around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
“Cause sometimes you hear’em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin’
And you can’t remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that it’s something special you’re needin’
And you know that there’s no drug that’ll do for the healin’
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin’ train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That’s been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don’t bar no race
That won’t laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin’ long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it’s you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you’re sitting
That the world ain’t got you beat
That it ain’t got you licked
It can’t get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope’s just a word
That maybe you said or maybe you heard
On some windy corner ’round a wide-angled curve
But that’s what you need man, and you need it bad
And yer trouble is you know it too good
“Cause you look an’ you start getting the chills
“Cause you can’t find it on a dollar bill
And it ain’t on Macy’s window sill
And it ain’t on no rich kid’s road map
And it ain’t in no fat kid’s fraternity house
And it ain’t made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain’t on that dimlit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Ranting and raving and taking yer money
And you thinks it’s funny
No you can’t find it in no night club or no yacht club
And it ain’t in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you’re bound to tell
That no matter how hard you rub
You just ain’t a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub
No, and it ain’t in the rumors people’re tellin’ you
And it ain’t in the pimple-lotion people are sellin’ you
And it ain’t in no cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star’s blouse
And you can’t find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can’t tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain’t in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes
And it ain’t in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons
And it ain’t in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knockin’ and tappin’ in Christmas wrappin’
Sayin’ ain’t I pretty and ain’t I cute and look at my skin
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry
When you can’t even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No you’ll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache
And inside it the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain’t in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who’d turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind yer back
My friend
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can’t find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain’t in the ones that ain’t got any talent but think they do
And think they’re foolin’ you
The ones who jump on the wagon
Just for a while ’cause they know it’s in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of rnoney and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin’, “Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain’t there no one here that knows where I’m at
Ain’t there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AINT REAL”
No but that ain’t yer game, it ain’t even yer race
You can’t hear yer name, you can’t see yer face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin’
Where do you look for this lamp that’s a-burnin’
Where do you look for this oil well gushin’
Where do you look for this candle that’s glowin’
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital
And though it’s only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You’ll find them both
In the Grand Canyon
At sundown
Bob Dylan
This poem tells how I feel at the moment. Y’know I’m thinking I need time and I will be perfectly healed and become fruitful again.
When I was in high school, I dreamed of becoming a Psychologist. I told my parents about my dream. They did not approve of that,telling me I have no future in that kind of profession.
When I graduated from high school, I forgot about my dream and considered what they want for me. I enrolled in a college of nursing. At first, I enjoyed everything, including new friends, new perspective in life but by the second semester, I started to see nothing and get bored with all my daily routines. So,I started to make absences, submitting late projects and taking major exams late. I just balanced everything so I will not fail or get low grades. For unknown reason because I don’t want to brag, I sometimes top the exams even I was not studying. And so, knowing I can still manage that kind of life,I went on doing what I was doing.
I don’t know how I could still manage to get high scores even if all what I was doing was to listen and not reading notes after each classes. Sometimes, the teachers will arrange the seats from students who get the highest and the lowest scores in the exams. I was always sitting at the back of the room because all who get the high scores will seat at the back.But my story isn’t about managing to be still on top. I even experienced failing but rarely.
Changing my course did not cross my mind. I just moved on. But nothing in Nursing made me enjoy my college life. I felt like always sitting in a torture chamber because I did not like what I was doing. If wise people would say I had a waste of time, I would definitely agree. But on the other hand, I would not be this strong if not by those experiences I had for four years of my college life. I never thought about how I will become in the future nor what’s in store for me after that kind of life. I, of course pitied my parents because they’ve been supporting me all the way. But I’m not the kind of person who feel something for others and change. I tried to become enthusiastic with my study but nothing happened until I graduated feeling empty. I felt like, I’ll be having a new beginning with too many uncertainties and heavy baggage of the past four years events.
After I graduated, I never regret everything. I chose to be that way. The much easy road to travel but often leads to nowhere.
But now I regret everything. If only I could go back to those wasted years of my life. I know I could have not been this strong if everything was made right and I wouldn’t feel this feeling of loss.
I remember in my first year in college, I was about to apply for dean’s list. I met the requirements but I saw a long line of applicants, I did not continue knowing I may not be able to maintain my grades. Maybe, I made everything right if I made an effort like those students in a long line. Maybe, they are working now and starting to get a better life.
If only I could turn back time and make things right then maybe I will not feel dead now.
I want to live again.
I need resurrection.
I want to live in the US of A. I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to. I want to live and work and live and live and live….
That’s only what this post is all about. LOL
Today is the schedule of the check-up of my grandmother. She lives in our house. She has a prolonged cough ( almost a month cough), intermittent fever, body weakness and loss of appetite. Well, I cant tell if it’s really a loss of appetite because she always refuse foods eversince she was still well. We’ve been giving her paracetamol for fever and carbocisteine for cough but the fever and cough dont go away. I’m the one who supervises her medications, the one who do TSB and even serving foods whenever she doesnt really want to eat anything. I think I am doing my job well as one of her grandchildren but I feel that her children dont see that. They dont even recognize my effort. With their words whenever they speak to her, I feel like they mean I’m doing nothing or let’s say my family is doing nothing or they knew we’re doing something but not enough. I know whenever they visit her, she’s always doing something like cleaning this and that. I dont want her to do anything in our house. I dont want her to clean anymore but she’s a meticulous woman. She wants everything to be organized.And my aunts sometimes tell us not to let her do household chores anymore.
I don’t have to explain myself and tell them what I’m doing. I always make sure she takes all her meds on time even if the next due is 1 am. I prepare foods for her whenever she skipped meals and keep on insisting to eat her foods if she’s refusing. I doit even at 1 or 2 or 3 am if she has a fever and she cannot manage to get her meals by herself.I help her change her clothes and I even change our beddings more often because I believe that a clean environment promotes fast healing. I am not complaining. In fact I feel it’s not enough because if it is, she might be well now.
My grandmother insists that she should be checked up. She has enough money for that. And so we went to the hospital with my cousin Didith, my aunt and uncle and we ride in their Van. We waited for a long time for our turn. I’m tired of telling the whole story. In the end, the doctor prescribed lots of meds. I hope she’ll be better after a week. The doctor even said that she should be confined in the hospital because her condition is something serious. Oh well, she survived 3 weeks at home with that something serious yet unknown diagnosis of that doctor. I hope she’ll get well after 3 days with the help of those meds because we were told she needs to go back if nothing changes in her condition.
And with the help of the Divine Mercy of Jesus, she’ll not go back there.
God seems to be the unseen coach in everyone’s life but most people don’t like being coached. It’s hard for me to start everything at this point in my life. I don’t know exactly when and how am I going to start something that will be the primordial in getting a “Life”. I want to live. I want to have a life. I know God hears me. Maybe the reason why I am having this kind of difficulty is that I don’t know how to listen to what he really wants for me. My eyes are wide open as wide as how I am reflecting on everything that’s going on in my life but why cant I see what he wants me to see. I’m trying, well not hard enough, but slowly to be motivated,and most of all comprehend everything for this may be very useful in my future life.
I find it hard to build myself into something I can already visualize now. And by looking at the mirror and realizing who this person is, I see these:
number 1: I see a lazy person who doesn’t know how to actualize her dreams
number 2: I see a person who is trying to build her self esteem and be motivated. ( at least it’s very positive) I’m trying but not hard
number 3: I see a person who doesn’t know what she really wants
number 4: I see a person who always believe in change but cannot change her condition in life now ( I’ve changed many things about me, I find it hard to believe I am worth nothing at the moment)
number 5: I see a person who denies she is “coward”. I know I am not, really, but realizing why I am feeling static at the moment is a product of that horrendous word)
and
number 6: I see a person who realized all of these but still cannot change everything. Now that’s more horrific.
If I’m with a large amount of people in a ship and I’m the Captain, the ship will sink or if it’ll not sink, it’ll not reach the shore and be lost.
I am alone in my own ship. I am the captain, the crew, all and all. I am in the middle of the ocean of grief for this life. I’d like to give up my captainship and give it to the proper one who knows really where this mortal body should go. I find it hard to say this. I don’t know where this life will lead to. I know there’s something out there at the shore called “Life”. For now, I must go on and sail and follow the new captain in my life who is my heart.
Oh God. It’s really hard for me to say this. I feel like I need someone to help me understand what does it really mean to be led by God in every decisions I make.
(But to clear my self, I am a good person. I am a Catholic who goes to church and attend bible study and I do pray.)
I know this is something easy for some who doesn’t even recognize God in their life. I know this must be easy for some people while other are going through this like me. I know the sun always rises and as long as there is tomorrow, I will never run out of HOPE.
My sanctuary
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